It’s Time..

It’s time to talk.

This will likely be a little long, but I won’t apologize. #sorrynotsorry.

I’m fairly candid about my struggles with mental health overall, but I don’t know how many people realize just how dire the situation got a few years back.

I wasn’t just an angsty teenager (21 actually- but who’s counting?). I was depressed and closer to making a permanent decision than I’ve ever been.. I got in my car, not knowing what else to do or where to turn. I didn’t know how to ask for help because I didn’t know what was wrong. I had come out as gay, and thought that was it.. but I’d fallen to a place even darker than before I’d come out. I drove for a bit, eventually stopping at a bridge just on the outside of the town I lived in. As I sat with the door open and figured out how to write on a napkin what was going through my head, Demi’s ‘Skyscraper’ came on the radio. I’d never heard it, or if I had, I’d never given it much thought. For whatever reason, on that night in October of 2011, it made me pause. I turned the volume as loud as it would go and just listened. It made me think about what I was doing, and how desperately I wanted to feel better. I closed my door. I put the napkin and pen down. I sat on the side of the road and I sobbed. I cried for the desperation I felt; I cried at the thought of being a disappointment; I cried for all the things I wished I could be. The song that played was one of resilience, of not letting outside factors win, and of never giving up. I took that with me as I pulled myself together, turned my car on, and drove home. I crawled into bed as if nothing had happened. As if moments before I hadn’t been literally teetering on the edge of taking my own life.

I won’t say that Demi is magic and I was immediately better.. I still struggled deeply with my depression, and my anxiety started to present around that same time. It took me another 5 years to finally find my answer, and those 5 years were some of the hardest of my life. I fought every day just to stay afloat. Even now, my depression and anxiety still rear their ugly heads to remind me that they are never fully gone. It never gets quite as bad- my worst days now are better than my best days back then.

Many people think I’m just a random fanboy of Demi, but the truth is, I literally owe her my life. My sheer love for her comes out of gratitude, because if that song hadn’t come on that night, I can tell you with 100% certainty that I would not be around today. Every time she comes this way on tour, I go see her play. Until tonight, she always played that song, and I always cried. Tonight was the first time since 2011 she didn’t put Skyscraper on her set list. Tonight was also the first time that I have acknowledged that it’s okay to talk about my experience. I have told parts of this story to exactly 5 people in the almost 7 years since it took place. Only one of those people knew me in those days, and we weren’t nearly as close then as we are now. I was always fairly vague with the details; I didn’t talk about this before because I was ashamed. I didn’t want to admit that I had very nearly given in. I didn’t want my family to know, and to worry. **For my mom and dad, if you’re reading this: I’m sorry that you’re just finding this out. I am okay now. I promise you, I’m in this for the long haul. I’m not going anywhere.**

It’s taken me until now to come to terms with the fact that it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to struggle. It’s important to know in those times of desperation that things will get better. I’m living proof of that, thanks to Demi Lovato.

 

This is Me..

Another round of bullets hits my skin, well fire away ‘cause today I won’t let the shame sink in. 

It’s funny how shame doesn’t need to be brought on by another human in order to have a negative effect. Sometimes, it is brought on by situations out of our control.

In my time in the “out and proud” trans world, I haven’t seen very many people talk about what I’m about to talk about; I think it’s because just experiencing it brings on a certain amount of shame. It certainly brings on dysphoria, if nothing else. For any people reading this who may also be trans men, be warned: this may trigger dysphoria.

I spent most of my weekend this weekend curled up in the fetal position, experiencing what I’ve come to describe as “phantom shark week.” That is to say, I suffered from fairly extreme cramping that is remnicient of the days when I would bleed once a month.

This is not something I’ve experienced in almost a year, as shark week hasn’t occurred since my first month on testosterone. I thought I had escaped it for good.

I tried looking up some information on it, mostly to be sure I wasn’t dying (I am very dramatic and immediately assume the worst when something is off).. but I didn’t come up with much. There were a couple of posts in some forums that said they were experiencing the same thing I am. Each one said the same thing:

“I feel like dudes don’t talk about this because they’re ashamed of it.”

Or, “I debated on whether to post this; I feel like I’m the only one going through it.”

I’m only one trans man, so I can’t speak for the entire community here.. but shark week for me brings on the worst of my dysphoria. It’s one of the only things that will literally and figuratively bring me to my knees. I suffered through it for about 13 years, somehow surviving it but battling severe depression every time. At the time, of course, I thought everyone who had a period felt this way. I know now that feeling so disproportionately off is not a “normal” experience. So when I got rid of it, I was elated.

Why is it so taboo in the transmasculine community to discuss that we struggle with this? Why does everyone seem to want to keep quiet about a seemingly shared experience?

I know for me, experiencing this kind of pain makes me feel less like the man I am. I haven’t wanted to talk about it before right now because acknowledging the kind of pain it was would mean outwardly saying “I am experiencing something that ‘real’ men don’t have to go through.”

That’s bullshit, for lack of a better phrase. This doesn’t make me any less of a man. My path to manhood may be different, and it may come with struggles that cis men don’t have to face.. but that only gives me the opportunity to fight through it and come out on the other side knowing that I fought hard to be where I’m at.

We should be able to talk about the struggles we face, because 9.5/10 times I can guarantee we aren’t alike in what we’re feeling. The problem is building the strength and courage to be completely open about our experiences.

I will come out on the other side of this fine. Phantom shark week will disappear, and I will be back to my normal self. For today, though, I will allow myself to not feel 100%. It’s okay not to be on top of my game all the time. I’ll get to the other side of this hill, I just have to work at it.

I wont lie, most days I’m okay with the whole trans thing. I wasn’t given anything in my life that I can’t handle, and most days I’m okay with the battles I face. But it would be nice now and again to feel like I belong.

Until next time.

 

I’m Not a Joke…

I had the unfortunate experience today of being the punchline of someone’s joke.

There was more to this story than just the following statement, of course, but to give you a small taste (I changed the names he used to avoid any sort of issue): “It was funny because Bob was so confused when we told him, ‘well yeah, but you know that *Justin* used to be *Justine*’ and he was just so confused! We had him really going.”

The person telling this anecdote thought it was funny, and the people he was telling the story to certainly laughed. I immediately went silent as I pondered whether or not to say anything. In the end I kept my mouth firmly shut, swallowed all statements, and just went about my business. I’m not confident enough in my ability to remain calm in these situations yet, so it ended up being better that I refrained from comment.

I am not a joke. Being trans is not a joke. Making a joke out of anyone’s sexuality, gender, gender identity, race, religion, or whatever else it is that makes them different is not appropriate or entertaining in any way. If people laugh, it’s either because they’re as small-minded as you are or because they’re uncomfortable with what you’ve just said. Don’t mistake their laughter for entertainment, because it likely wasn’t.

I try to just let these things go. I try to just let it roll off my back and acknowledge that the person likely had no ill intent when a) joking with whoever he was joking with in the story and b) telling the story in the setting that he did. But this person is well aware of my situation, and where I come from. He is well aware (or should be) how seemingly insignificant comments like this can affect someone. This is not the first time I’ve had this conversation. Unfortunately, I also know that it will not be the last time I have a conversation such as this, or write a blog post about it. That is a sacrifice I make each and every day.

I have worked hard to build safe spaces for myself throughout my transition whether that be my home, my workplace, or the public spaces I frequent; each and every space I occupy regularly must be a place I feel safe and included. That was taken away from me today, at least in part. It wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t directed at me, but it happened nonetheless. Casual transphobia is real and it is hurtful. It doesn’t matter if he “meant” to be transphobic or not, the fact remains that it was.

I implore each of you to think very carefully about what you speak of and to whom you’re speaking. All it takes is one misplaced comment and you could truly tear someone’s world apart.

Until next time.

 

 

A Year In…

It’s now been going on a year since I transitioned socially, and has been just over a year since I finally came out to the final (and arguably most important) people in my life.

As it seems to happen with me, December tends to be a month filled with reflection. I take time throughout the month to think about where I was last year, and where my journey has brought me in the previous 365 days.

This year is no exception, although this year might make all previous years in my existence look trivial. I have come so far in the last 12 months. From new best friends, to physical changes, to the absolute and powerful shift in my mental health, I truly have come into myself.

“Of course you have, look at what you chose to do!” I had someone say to me a week or two ago. I think that’s a fairly common misconception in my world: people still tend to think that I chose to transition. That I woke up one day and decided to be a boy, and followed that path because I wanted to be different. What I don’t think people realize is that the only thing I chose to do was give myself the chance to live. I chose the option that saw me live past the age of 28. I didn’t do it for any sort of glory, or “to be different.” I did it because it was that or I died. It truly is as simple as that.

As depressing as my last statement may seem, I don’t want this to be a negative post. Quite the contrary, I want to celebrate. I want to celebrate my successes, and evaluate my failures. I want to celebrate starting T, changing my name legally, and navigating second puberty as gracefully as I could have hoped. I want to celebrate that I have made it through the first year without many instances of opposition. I want to celebrate that in spite of the overwhelming odds against me, I made it through.

It is a wonderful feeling, to look at 2018 with nothing but optimism. For the first time, I am not overwhelmingly terrified of what the next year will entail for me. Instead, I am thrilled because I am living Lucas, every single day.

This will likely be the last post here this year, so for that reason I am passing along my well wishes now. I hope that everyone reading this has a wonderful holiday season and end to 2017. May 2018 bring each of you happiness, tranquility, and success.

Until next time.

…Because Why Not?

 

 

Superhero Serum. That’s what I have so lovingly started calling the testosterone that I take weekly as part of my transition. It never fails to make me feel a little bit better after a long week. My shot day is Friday, and I do that on purpose. A rush of hormones to the system weekly has some side effects, and I tend to be a little rambunctious in the first 24-48 hours after my shot. I also feel the best in those first couple of days, so of course I want to time that so that I can enjoy it to its fullest potential.

When I started T, I had no qualms about weekly injections. I grew up around a diabetic mother who would check her blood sugar several times a day and eventually started injecting insulin daily. For several years, I worked in a hospital and got a flu shot without batting an eyelash. I didn’t even hesitate when they asked if I would be okay giving myself injections. For 7 months, I had no issues. Every week I would draw testosterone into a syringe, switch needles out, and inject without a second thought.

Last week, I drew up as normal and switched needles, prepared my injection site as normal, and then froze. A movement that had become so familiar felt foreign, and scary. It took me several moments to be able to actually inject the needle into my muscle, and when I did, I did it so slowly that it ended up burning terribly and hurt for several days afterwards. Something in me was absolutely terrified of the pain, which even as I type it seems ridiculous because it doesn’t hurt for more than a second, if I do it right. I thought maybe it was a fluke, that I’d gotten distracted and just needed to focus more for the next one.

I needed to refill my script this week, as I had run out last week. I found myself putting it off all week, until finally yesterday I had to call and request that my provider change my name on the script so that I could go get it. They did, but then I delayed picking it up. I found every excuse I could not to go pick it up. Finally I did, and I just got done with it in the last several minutes. I had the same reaction this week as I did last, and now I have decided to acknowledge that is an actual problem.

I have developed a fear of the one thing on this planet that brings me a little bit of a reprieve from the dysphoria I feel every day. Very few people have been made aware of this to this point, but I struggle more than I let on with that dysphoria. I very rarely feel comfortable in myself, and am constantly tense when I am going through each day. I don’t look at myself in the mirror often. When people comment on how much more masculine I look, I nod my head in agreement but still see the features that keep me looking just feminine enough to be misgendered in public. Thankfully, that is happening less and less and only seems to be happening now with people who knew prior to me starting T. I speak, and even though I know my voice is worlds away from where it was 7 months ago, it never seems deep enough to fully put my unease to rest.

It’s times like these that make me realize that I may never be fully “through” this. I am legally male, my name has officially been changed, and I have been on T for closer to a year than not. So when do I get to feel like I’m finally me?

Happy Legality…

What’s in a name?

I never knew. I never knew the hold a name could have over someone, until this past Tuesday. Without realizing it, I was holding myself back from fully moving forward. Holding onto my birth name for as long as I did was an intentional step. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to file for the change, or that I didn’t have the means to do so.

Truthfully, I was afraid. I was afraid of what would happen when I got through the initial checklist. I was afraid to force my family into letting go of who I was. I was afraid to shove who I am into their faces. Most importantly, though, I was afraid to exist.

It’s hard to explain to people just what I mean by that statement. How on earth can someone not know how to exist? “You exist just by breathing!” they say to me. Yes, that is technically true. Also true is the fact that the existence I lived prior to this year was not an existence I would wish on anyone. To be frank, my life prior to this year was never going to be a long one. I don’t say that often, partly because I’ve tried to shield the most important people in my life from the reality. I have decided it’s important to point out, now that I’ve come through that on the other side: it was either the people in my life got used to me as male, or they buried me as female. There was never an alternative.

When you don’t plan for your future, you learn how to just make it through. I made it through high school. I made it through one crappy job after another. I made it through my day to day. I plastered a smile on my face for years, trying to convince those around me that I was happy. For a time, it worked. When you’re used to pretending, it’s hard to learn how to actually live. I don’t know how to allow myself to be happy because I’m so accustomed to pretending to be just that.

Learning how to live fully is not the worst thing that I could be required to do, and I will certainly do so. I have already come leaps and bounds from where I once was, and that will always remind me that even in the difficult times, this is worth it. Every day when I wake up and get irritated that my voice hasn’t settled fully; every week when I have to inject testosterone into my body because my body doesn’t create it naturally as it should. Every month when I catch my reflection in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. Each and every one of the annoying bits of this are worth it.

These past couple of days have been incredible. I have taken my first breaths as Lucas legally and now have a license that reflects that not only is that my name, but also that I am male. I find myself looking at it repeatedly, and actually got a little bit sad that I didn’t get asked for my ID when we went out for dinner to celebrate on Tuesday. In the photo, I look like the most ridiculous fool on the planet, but I will treasure that photo until this license expires because it represents everything that I’ve worked for in the last year.

For the first time in my life, I am excited at the prospect of a future.

My life has finally begun.

Philadelphia, the City of “Bro”therly Love

As we prepare to depart this morning, I felt as though it would be prudent to say a little bit about our experiences this weekend.

I live a very open life back home, one in which I can be proud of who I am and how far I’ve come. But coming to an unfamiliar place and doing that same thing was a terrifying decision. It is easy to forget that there are places in this country and in this world where I am not welcome, and that we have a president in Number 45 who is actively trying to take away my rights and the rights of those like me.

When we arrived on Thursday and were able to check out the conference center for the first time, I was overwhelmed at the experience of not being “one of the only ones.” For the first time since I came out to the first people in my life (a year ago, if you can believe it), I was not in the minority. I was in a room quite literally full of people who identify the same way that I do, or some variation thereof. That was overwhelming, and I actually had to step out for a while to avoid the sheer panic that that entails. I was here, in this space, so very openly admitting to strangers that I am transgender. To some of you, it will seem strange that I found this so overwhelming. I guess the best way I can explain it is this: imagine living your life in an existence where very few people speak the same language that you do.. you figure out ways to communicate, and you love the life you lead in this way. Eventually, you find out that there are many others who speak this language, and you decide to go see what they’re like. Imagine the first time walking into a room where you are truly understood and accepted and how incredible that must be. That is what I felt Thursday.

Once I was able to overcome that initial fear and vulnerability of being out and open, I had nothing but good experiences in this city. We attended a ceremony where the Trans Pride flag was raised in front of the City Hall, and we were met with nothing but love and support. There were no protesters. There were no people with signs proclaiming that God hates us. Only love, and acceptance, and happiness. It was wonderful to feel so included.

The conference itself was very informative, and the panels we were able to attend were educational enough to make it worth it but also entertaining enough that we were engaged the entire time. We spent a lot of time just wandering around the vender room, where I fanboyed several times over Jazz and Jeannette Jennings, of the show “I Am Jazz.” I never actually interacted with either of them, for fear of losing my composure.. caveat to this, I don’t actually identify with Jazz in much. I just binge watch the show and take small comfort in her ability to be that out and open.

In between panels, we were able to do so much sightseeing that there were times I thought my legs were going to legitimately give up on me. We walked from one end of the city to the other, and a ton in between.. We saw the Museum of Art, City Hall, Christ Church Burial Ground, the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall (where we saw a chair that George Washington himself actually sat in), the First Bank of the US (shoutout to my main man Alexander Hamilton), the Irish Memorial, and then made our way over to Edgar Allan Poe’s house. We walked a cumulative 20.5 miles or so in the span of 3 days, and actually didn’t get into a vehicle once other than our transportation to and from the airport. It was an incredible way to see the city, and I am glad that we did it now. That said, if I didn’t drop at least 3 pounds in my time here I will be severely disappointed.

Over all, Philadelphia proved to be one of the most welcoming, incredible places I’ve been to and I am still reeling from how amazing it felt to be so welcomed. It was a great time overall, and I am glad I did it and was able to remind myself that this is all worth it in the end. After a few rough months, none of which I have actually written about here, it was good to have a strictly positive experience in relation to my transition. I am now about 90% through my initial checklist, and I really couldn’t be happier with where I’m at right now. It’s a cool thing to feel like I actually have a future in front of me.

Until next time, my friends.

-Luc