A Year In…

It’s now been going on a year since I transitioned socially, and has been just over a year since I finally came out to the final (and arguably most important) people in my life.

As it seems to happen with me, December tends to be a month filled with reflection. I take time throughout the month to think about where I was last year, and where my journey has brought me in the previous 365 days.

This year is no exception, although this year might make all previous years in my existence look trivial. I have come so far in the last 12 months. From new best friends, to physical changes, to the absolute and powerful shift in my mental health, I truly have come into myself.

“Of course you have, look at what you chose to do!” I had someone say to me a week or two ago. I think that’s a fairly common misconception in my world: people still tend to think that I chose to transition. That I woke up one day and decided to be a boy, and followed that path because I wanted to be different. What I don’t think people realize is that the only thing I chose to do was give myself the chance to live. I chose the option that saw me live past the age of 28. I didn’t do it for any sort of glory, or “to be different.” I did it because it was that or I died. It truly is as simple as that.

As depressing as my last statement may seem, I don’t want this to be a negative post. Quite the contrary, I want to celebrate. I want to celebrate my successes, and evaluate my failures. I want to celebrate starting T, changing my name legally, and navigating second puberty as gracefully as I could have hoped. I want to celebrate that I have made it through the first year without many instances of opposition. I want to celebrate that in spite of the overwhelming odds against me, I made it through.

It is a wonderful feeling, to look at 2018 with nothing but optimism. For the first time, I am not overwhelmingly terrified of what the next year will entail for me. Instead, I am thrilled because I am living Lucas, every single day.

This will likely be the last post here this year, so for that reason I am passing along my well wishes now. I hope that everyone reading this has a wonderful holiday season and end to 2017. May 2018 bring each of you happiness, tranquility, and success.

Until next time.

Happy Legality…

What’s in a name?

I never knew. I never knew the hold a name could have over someone, until this past Tuesday. Without realizing it, I was holding myself back from fully moving forward. Holding onto my birth name for as long as I did was an intentional step. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to file for the change, or that I didn’t have the means to do so.

Truthfully, I was afraid. I was afraid of what would happen when I got through the initial checklist. I was afraid to force my family into letting go of who I was. I was afraid to shove who I am into their faces. Most importantly, though, I was afraid to exist.

It’s hard to explain to people just what I mean by that statement. How on earth can someone not know how to exist? “You exist just by breathing!” they say to me. Yes, that is technically true. Also true is the fact that the existence I lived prior to this year was not an existence I would wish on anyone. To be frank, my life prior to this year was never going to be a long one. I don’t say that often, partly because I’ve tried to shield the most important people in my life from the reality. I have decided it’s important to point out, now that I’ve come through that on the other side: it was either the people in my life got used to me as male, or they buried me as female. There was never an alternative.

When you don’t plan for your future, you learn how to just make it through. I made it through high school. I made it through one crappy job after another. I made it through my day to day. I plastered a smile on my face for years, trying to convince those around me that I was happy. For a time, it worked. When you’re used to pretending, it’s hard to learn how to actually live. I don’t know how to allow myself to be happy because I’m so accustomed to pretending to be just that.

Learning how to live fully is not the worst thing that I could be required to do, and I will certainly do so. I have already come leaps and bounds from where I once was, and that will always remind me that even in the difficult times, this is worth it. Every day when I wake up and get irritated that my voice hasn’t settled fully; every week when I have to inject testosterone into my body because my body doesn’t create it naturally as it should. Every month when I catch my reflection in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. Each and every one of the annoying bits of this are worth it.

These past couple of days have been incredible. I have taken my first breaths as Lucas legally and now have a license that reflects that not only is that my name, but also that I am male. I find myself looking at it repeatedly, and actually got a little bit sad that I didn’t get asked for my ID when we went out for dinner to celebrate on Tuesday. In the photo, I look like the most ridiculous fool on the planet, but I will treasure that photo until this license expires because it represents everything that I’ve worked for in the last year.

For the first time in my life, I am excited at the prospect of a future.

My life has finally begun.